"She's gone. Grandma didn't make it through the surgery"
Those words caused my world to shift and forever my life will be segmented into the day before I heard this news and the day after. We expect our grandmothers will not live forever. As children often our friends will talk of losing a grandparent. We are aware that grandparents sometimes die. As an adult it is an even less shocking event. How could I explain to anyone that to me, this was earth shattering. You see, I needed her. I still needed her. I was not done needing her.
Growing up in a single parent home with little money meant that our life was not always stable. We moved every few years. Meals were sometimes strangely creative. My mother was prone to mood swings and every day was a toss up. She might be in a wonderful mood; singing, laughing and ready to play a board game with us. Or she might ready to explode and the slightest thing could set her off. Our home was often like walking through a mine field but no one was allowed to mention it. Mom thought she was a wonderful mother and it was our role, as her children, to play along. Sometimes it was true.
My parents were teenagers when I was born. I spent much of my first 5 years living at my grandma's home. After that I spent many weekends and school vacations visiting. Most of the time it was very calm and peaceful. Meals were on a schedule and very consistent. Grandma had two or three general moods; dutiful, irritated, or laughing. She spent most of her time in the first mode. She was always busy with something. Usually she was in the kitchen preparing, baking, canning, creating one of her lists, sorting through coupons, talking on the phone, doing dishes, ironing, planning for dinner....it was her domain. I loved to be there with her. She treated me like her companion. When I was at Grandma's house, I was a good girl. That was simply who I was. I felt ten feet tall.
As I grew up and made terrible decisions Grandma pretended not to notice. When I called she would talk to me for an hour just catching up. If she was feeling judgmental she never let on. She was there to support me every step of the way. She never missed a birthday card or a Christmas present. Dutiful. Consistent.
I needed her. She was the one thing in my life that did not change. The same house, the same phone number, the same 3 moods. I knew that I could dial the phone number and she would be there to chat. I could stop in at her home and she would always be happy to see me. Why didn't I do that more often? Is there any point torturing myself with that question now?
Without her there I felt.....I feel...like I am a ship sailing without the comfort of a lighthouse to guide me along the rocky shore. The line I was tethered to has been cut and I no longer have that stable place....that stable person to grab onto.
Getting through the funeral was excruciating. My husband has a very calm spirit and I soon realized that as long as he was within a few feet of me, I felt steady. I fell asleep crying in his arms more than once. I am thankful that God, in all his mercy and wisdom, brought my husband into my life before Grandma passed on. The timing was never going to be good for me but I was better prepared than I realized. God had a plan in place already.
Are we supposed to ever get to a place where we don't need other people? Is there a time when we stop needing the support and security of others? I don't think I was done needing my grandma. It's been nearly 3 years and I need her right now. My heart aches and is shattered in a million pieces but I don't want it to heal. Not completely. That pain reminds me of the depth that I love her. It doesn't overtake me anymore but I can still visit the place where my loss was fresh. Then I can grab the hand of my husband and allow myself to come back to a place of peace, warmth and security. I need him.
