Miscarriage...

Miscarriage.  It's not a great topic and most of us like to skip past it when it comes up. I always did.  I remember when a friend told me she had lost her second pregnancy, I actually thought "What is wrong with her?"  but of course, I offered the standard-- So sorry-- and changed the topic.  That's what we do.  Right?

Until the day that you are the one hearing the news.  When the sonogram technician tells you--"I'm sorry. I don't see any cardiac activity."  Suddenly, that baby you were just getting excited about, that nursery that you were planning, the names you were bickering with your spouse about...it's all gone.  The dream is over and the nightmare begins.  Why didn't anyone tell me it would hurt this bad.  Wait...maybe my friend would have told me if I hadn't so rudely changed the topic.

Then I became the one that had to tell people that we lost our baby.  I was now on the receiving end of the topic changes and blank stares.  What is wrong with these people?  But wait-- I used to be one of them.  Back when I was on the far side of miscarriage.  The naive place were all pregnancies end in healthy babies.  Way back then.

I like to learn something from everything that happens in my life.  What was the lesson here?  I don't know, I am still learning.  Rather than be upset with the reactions, I try to relate to their innocence.  I try to remember being in their place.   I also called my girlfriend and brought up her miscarriages.  I told her how sorry I was that I had not offered her support when she needed it.  I cried.  She cried.  Yeah, this crap hurts.

While surfing the net I found a bunch of articles telling people what they should say/do when someone they know has a miscarriage.  I couldn't find one to tell me what to do when I am the one facing the loss of my baby.  As soon as I figure it out, I will write that article.  For now, my only advice is to be gentle with yourself and with the people around you.  Don't let responses bother you- even the ones that say "This must have been God's plan"-- they don't realize how stupid they are.  They mean well.  Go easy on them and focus on you.  Part two of this post will be coming when my heart is in a better place to be reflective.