Surviving Miscarriage

You had a miscarriage? I won't be arrogant enough to suggest that I completely understand what you are feeling right now.  Each miscarriage is completely unique and comes wrapped in a varied set of emotions and extenuating circumstance. For many there is grief, guilt, anger, emptiness, confusion, blame, longing...am I close?  


Each day-- even each hour-- can feel completely different. I often feel like a ship with a broken sail being tossed to and fro, unable to navigate and vulnerable to wind shifts that often came out of nowhere. I still have shaky days and it's been over 6 months. Is this going to end soon?  

God, are you listening?  


I am only midway through this journey but I have come up with a small list of suggestions. These are some words I wish I had found when I first lost my baby. I hope it helps someone else. 


Be gentle with yourself. Don't push yourself to get over it or stifle your tears. There is no time limit on grief. You are allowed to feel this for as long as you need to. Don't feel pressured by the people around you who just want to see you smile again. 

It's OK to say NO. Soon after my loss, I was invited to a party to meet a new baby. I declined. I made the right choice. I also declined a few baby shower invitations and sent a gift instead. No need to explain, just do what's best for you. 


People say dumb things- forgive them. By now, you have already heard some of the replies, "This was God's plan." --"Maybe the baby was going to be handicapped." --"You'll have other children."...People don't know what to say so they say stupid things. Keep in mind that they are trying to be supportive. Ignore the words and focus on the emotion they are trying to convey-- comfort. They are doing their best.  

No one means to hurt you.  Right after I lost my baby, I learned that someone else in our family was pregnant. She is due right around the same time I would have had my baby. It was handled badly and I learned the news in a manner that really hurt me. It was not intentional. Just like the previous suggestion, remember that people do their best and no one means to hurt you. 

You will hear other loss stories.  Women will share their stories with you.  Often, they will cry and you will see the pain in their eyes, even if the loss was many years before. I think that there was a time when miscarriage was not openly discussed and some women need to talk about it now.  They are not looking for you to comfort them. Instead, they are emotionally taking a seat next to you and grieving with you.  It's a precious thing when you realize it for what it is. My mother-in-law shared her miscarriage story with me and clearly, she had never talked much about it before. She shared the damaged place of her heart and I will always treasure those conversations. 

Some people don't want to talk about it.  You will quickly learn that some are uncomfortable with the topic or want to pretend it didn't happen. There are times when you will appreciate them because sometimes it's easier to pretend it never happened.  At other times, cling to your friends that will listen.  Thankfully, usually we have both types in our life. 

People will ask you personal questions. For some reason, hearing the news that you had a miscarriage erases boundaries for some people.  Suddenly you are being asked about things that no one has ever asked before. "Are you going to get pregnant again right away?"   You don't have to answer anything unless you want to.  Just shrug and change the subject.  Eventually, they stop.  


Just when you think it's better, another wave hits you.   I was walking into church yesterday and an old friend came to say hello.  I referenced our baby and, without warning, burst into tears.  Whoa- where did that come from?  It happens.  


Just feel what you feel with no apologies.   Your emotions will be all over the place for a while.  That's OK.  Just go with it and accept that pain is part of this journey.  


This is not a complete list but it's what I have concluded so far.  I am sure that there are many more suggestions but this is what I would l have liked to hear 6 months ago. Be patient with yourself, forgive the people around you, and I wish you a full healing, both physically and emotionally.