When I married my husband we formed a blended family. Our five children had a lot of adjusting to do. (The proceeding sentence might qualify to win the "Understatement of the Decade" award.) According to popular terminology each of us is now a "step" something; Step mom, Step brother, etc. I respectfully disagree.
My husband brought one son into the marriage and I brought three sons and a daughter. His son is also the oldest of the children and was accustomed to his status as an only child. My children were used to sharing me with each other but were not excited about adding another player to the list of time draws. My husband and I approached the new arrangement with clenched teeth, a smile and, to be honest, we expected the worst. We had been warned by many "supporters" (??) that this would be a difficult situation.
After being pronounced man and wife we proceeded down the aisle and into a small room in the back of the church. We were quickly joined by our children and our immediate family. I hugged my husband's son and whispered in his ear "We will never use the word "step" I am proud to call you my son." I had not thought this out prior to the ceremony and the words came from a place in my heart that was speaking to both of us at this moment. Five years later I can say that I have never once referred to him as my step-son.
My husband and I talked about this on our honeymoon. Why do people use the term "step" when referring to blended family members? What does this term even imply? Does referring to someone as a "step" relative mean there is a space between you and them? Is this person less important than a biological relative? As we talked we could find no reason to adopt this term into our family. Upon returning home we addressed this with our children and requested that they refrain from using this language when talking about our family.
Five years later I can honestly say that none of us have uttered the term more than a handful of times. We refer to the offspring as "our children" and they call us "the parents." They refer to each other in normal sibling terms; dork, jerk, idiot, cow-breath....the normal stuff. When I meet new people and am pressed for details regarding my children I sometimes concede that "My oldest is my husband's child and I was not blessed to have given birth to him. He is still my baby." I mean that. I would do anything for him and I would hurt anyone who tried to harm him. Just like I would for any of my children.
While I love my husband's son and he loves my children it would be less than honest to say that our relationships mirror a family where everyone is biologically related. There is some kind of fantasy that The Brady Bunch is a realistic type of blended family. Society seems to judge the success of a blended family on it's ability to replicate a traditional family. It is my opinion that a successful family is one where each member feels loved, secure, respected and supported. Blood lines have no bearing. Are traditional families always successful?
We have seven personalities that make up our family. The relationships are each unique. I am confident that our children love each other and they each love us. Do I love my oldest, my husband's son, as much as my own? Yes. I fully love him. Do I treat him the same as my other children? No. Do I treat my biological children the same as each other? No. Each relationship has it's own facets. There are moments of joy and moments of extreme frustration just like every relationship on the planet.
It's unfair to expect my spouse to treat my children exactly as he treats his own and I hope he doesn't expect that from me. In blended families a common argument is "You would do that for YOUR child but you won't do that for mine!" Those are fighting words. My husband will do anything for any our children but he of course shares a bond with his son that is special. That relationship doesn't mean that he can't love my children as well. He has provided for all of them but there have been times when he might mentally struggle with giving something (usually money) to one of the older children. 99% of the time we arrive to a decision we can both live with. A few times I have asked him "Would you do it for your own son?" and when phrased properly it can serve as a gentle nudge rather than an attack. I have needed the same nudge more than once.
Overall our experience in the blended family arena has been positive. We have had the typical tense moments but we have worked it through them. Our children know that we are both there for them. Our house is peaceful. The disaster we had been warned of never materialized. We let out a cautious sigh of relief two years after the wedding and now we wonder why we were so worried. I know that other families have not faired as well and I ponder the reasons for that. I suspect the unrealistic expectations play a role. I think we have done well because we had no expectations and were prepared for the worst. We have been pretty fair and honest with each other. When there is a disagreement about one of the children we try to navigate it carefully. You can't retract words once they have been spoken. It only takes a moment to cause damage that will take a long time to mend. We laugh a lot and try to keep it light. One time I told him that if we ever divorced I was keeping my Grand Cherokee and he could keep the kids. All of them. The look of fear in his eyes was priceless. He has been a really sweet husband so it seems that the threat worked.
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