Waiting for the first of the month

I grew up on Welfare.  Our life was carefully sectioned into 12 units and everything rotated on the first of the month.  The first was like a mini celebration.  The cupboards were stocked and there was a new bottle of shampoo in the bathroom.  Real milk meant the powered stuff would disappear for a few weeks.  The last week of the month brought on creative meals that I usually detested.  I was not an overly fussy eater but nothing could get me to eat chicken gizzards.  (pssst- that's the heart, liver and neck of a chicken.  Most people throw it out.  My mother made meals from it.)  Putting away the load of groceries made me feel like everything was all right in the world.  Anticipating a couple weeks of treats and meals I liked quickly erased the memories of hunger from the week before.  It was easy to forget that within 3 weeks our bounty would diminish.

Each month we would go from perceived excess to nearly complete lack.  The laundry soap would run out and clothes would pile up waiting for the first.  The shampoo bottles would be rinsed out attempting to get that last bit of lather.  The toothpaste would be replaced with a box of baking soda that mom insisted would give us an even whiter smile.  No one ever asked "Where is the _____"  because we all knew the answer- "Wait till the first."   Life was always better on the first with its fresh packages.  We loved February because March first came so quickly.

Sometimes when I am shopping now I will see a family that brings back memories.  One parent, a few children and one or two grocery carts that are filled to the brim.  It's the first for this family!  My heart leaps for them.  And then I see the faces of the other shoppers.  The disapproving looks.  The shaking heads.  The obvious disgust.  I want to shield those children and let them enjoy their moment when everything feels alright. I hold my breath and pray they don't see any of it.  And then I remember that I never saw it.  Perhaps the anticipation of filling our cupboards was enough to keep me from noticing?

My life no longer revolves around the first.  We are comfortably sitting in what the government calls "middle class"  which means that I can buy fresh milk every week and I only run out of shampoo when I forget to purchase it.  However I still have a hard time throwing out an empty shampoo bottle because of the lingering thought "I can probably rinse enough out for one more use."