Yesterday my ten year old climbed up on my lap. I was working on my laptop at the time and for a brief moment I wanted to shoo him away. I caught myself and instead spent some time cuddling, holding him close, smelling his hair and studying his little face intently. I wanted to freeze the moment in my mind forever.
I was not always this reflective but he is the youngest of my five children. I have been on this parenting gig for more than 20 years and I now know that this is not forever. I can't remember the last time my older children climbed onto my lap. I don't recall the last time my 22 year old held my hand in the mall. When did my 19 year old last climb into my bed after a bad dream? When did my 25 year old last interrupt my phone conversation to ask what was for dinner? When was the last time my 21 year old wanted me to read him a story? What would I have done differently if I had known it was the last time? How could I have missed such an important moment?
I remember the days of waking up to a house full of little ones and wondering when I might get a chance to take a shower. There were days of never ending Winnie the Pooh videos, potty training, breaking up squabbles, searching for a lost shoe or mitten and never having a moment of *me* time. Resentment and frustration often crept in to steal my joy. I wish I had guarded against those feelings but I must admit that I sometimes greeted and entertained them like an old friend.
There was a time when I needed to consider several other people before I left the house. My car contained several prisoners passengers most of the time. There was no such thing as a "quick trip to the store" when there were small children involved. Is it possible that this was only a few years ago? My back seat is now empty. I can't express how much I miss the chaos that once rode along with me.
And now I have this one little ten year old left at home. With an aching heart I am aware that he will not always need me like he does now. I know that one day he will sit on my lap for the last time. I can't imagine what could be more important than that moment. I don't want to miss it. Again.
Oh Jen...this brought back memories. Isn't it sad that we don't seem to realize how precious what we have is until it is gone? I lost my grandmother suddenly at age 15 to a heart attack. I was at that odd age where "family wasn't cool" and in the shock surrounding her death, I couldn't help but be haunted by the fear that she didn't know how much I loved her. Your babies may no longer sit in your lap, but I'm sure they know you love them.
ReplyDeleteThis is just so dang cute. The first paragraph really touched my heart. We sometimes all take things for granted and this has really helped you to see that, obviously. Time moves fast, and we should all slow down and cherish the little things in our lives. :) Keep writing Jen!!
ReplyDeleteWould that everyone realized how precious all our moments with our families are.
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